While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so like weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like festering death.

All the fish: I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the shit out of my friend. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.ģ. She was PISSED-at the school for their error. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

The fake report card: I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.

Now that’s what I call stupid: In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.

Cools short stories to write